A Proper Article on Nickleback

In Music on January 13, 2012 at 1:09 pm

by:  Brandon Beal

For years now, Canada has been waging a secret war with America. You may not realize it, but you have been begging them for it. You’ve even gone so far as to helping pay for it. No, it’s not through the use of bombs and guns, but through guitar riffs and hair flips. With so many billions   of dollars being spent on the war in the middle-east, how can our government be so blind to the issues here at home? You may still be wondering just how Canada has managed such a feat, and the answer is simple: Nickelback.

Since 1995, Nickelback has been polluting the radio waves  with music (and I use the term loosely) that would be better categorized under “monotonous  noise combined with Dark Knight-esque vocals”. Some may simply brush this musical atrocity off as a fad, but this particular fad has sold over 50 million albums… million… with an “m”.

It goes past that. Chad Kroeger, the lead singer, is worth an estimated $50,000,000 dollars. To put this in perspective,  Bruce  Springsteen, quite possibly the most patriotic singer ever, has an  estimated  worth of $200,000,000. However, the problem is, is that Nickelback  is still signing deals. Recently, they struck a new arrangement giving them $70,000,000 in exchange for three albums and three tours. At this rate, we are      headed for a world where everyone sings “Photograph” at karaoke night, and dines on poutine at Football games. For those wondering, poutine is a Canadian dish which consists of French fries, covered in cheese curds, and then topped with brown gravy. Actually… that doesn’t sound that bad.

However, that’s all beside the point! What it boils down to is that we are losing this country to a band that looks to destroy everything we hold dear! Journey has “Any Way You Want It”, Nickelback has “Far Away” and “Rockstar”.   Do you hear those belted out by droves of intoxicated party goers every time it comes on the radio? I think not. Do those songs bring out the joy that so many of us struggle to find in this crazy, mixed up universe? Not a chance! To top it all off, Chad Kroeger has even been seen punching a bald eagle while playing the Canadian national anthem!

Wait… that’s not true? Well… I think one thing we can all agree on is that Nickelback isn’t good… At all.


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