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Letter to Santa (Christmas Wish List)

In Random/Humor on December 23, 2011 at 12:26 pm

by:  Eric Buenning

First off, my apologies for the gap in between articles.  Between finals, saying goodbyes to friends, Christmas shopping, and packing, there just wasn’t time to sit down an write something new.  Now that we’re all home, it’s time to start this back up.

When we were little, we all were probably required to write letters to Santa.  Sadly, as we grew older, activities like this were discouraged for a few reasons:

a. we had “more important things” to focus on like work, school, careers, relationships, etc.

b. Santa was found to be “fake”, or something like that

c. because, for some reason, a and b had to be mentioned.  Ever.

Anyways, roughly 13 years after my last letter to the big guy who broke into my house every Christmas Eve to give me presents, I decided to fire up another list for him.  Hopefully he gets it in time before his cross-country trek tomorrow (because he’s still totally real, right? Right?  Anyone?).

DEAR SANTA,

Hello again.  It’s been a while.  How’s the Mrs.?  Anyways, let’s cut to the chase.  Below are a few things I would like to have/have happen this Christmas season and the months that follow.

–I had an idea a week or two ago, and pitched it to my friend, who understandably freaked out.  You ask why he freaked out, Santa?  Because it’s a pretty good idea.  As in most reality television programs, the viewers get tired of meeting new people every season.  To fix this stagnation, the producers usually have a “celebrity” or an “all-stars” season.  This usually piques the interest of the casual viewer again, and it improves the ratings as a whole.  So, why not do this with an already popular show, say, American Idol.  How perfect would that be?  American Idol is losing its luster season by season, and this is the perfect way to keep interest in the show.  The only correction you’d have to make to the show is to substitute the fan votes for a panel of judges (fellow musicians, record label execs, stuff like that; there can’t be any fan bias allowed, otherwise this idea is poo.)  With help from my friend Brandon, we’ve compiled a list of 16 contestants (8 male, 8 female) that we’d like to see participate.

Male contestants:  Chris Brown, Usher, Justin Bieber, Michael Buble, Cee-Lo Green, Neil Patrick Harris, Jared Leto, Adam Levine

I’m already getting goosebumps imagining this taking place.  These guys can all perform.  Also, you already have must-see TV with Usher and Chris Brown’s dance moves, Cee-Lo’s theatrics, Neil Patrick Harris’s “holy shit he can actually sing” moments, Leto’s powerful vocals, and Bieber’s……everything.  Ha. Kidding.  But not really.

Female  Contestants:  Florence (without the Machine, just her), Adele, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Rihanna, Beyonce, Hayley Williams (from Paramore).

All really powerful singers and entertainers.  Can you even begin to imagine the shenanigans Gaga would pull off during her performances?  Her alone is reason enough to watch this show every week.  Also, maybe during “duets week”, the judges could pair Rihanna with Chris Brown, just to be assholes.  If only this were real.

–Santa, I would then like for LeBron James to fix his image, all while fixing the NBA All-Star Weekend.  Before I get to LeBron, we can easily fix All-Star Weekend by doing away with the celebrity game (nobody really cares about that).  They could replace it with the game we, the common folk, play all the time when we’re too lazy to play pick-up games.  H-O-R-S-E.  They used to do this on Saturday or Sunday mornings back before we were all born, and they apparently were a big hit.  It would add a more compelling dimension to the weekend. These players are all making trick-shot videos, and are probably capable of making a game of H-O-R-S-E  more riveting than the All-Star Game itself.

That brings us to LeBron.  He seems to be concerned with bringing fun back to his game.  He never wanted to be the villain, and embracing that role last year messed him up big time.  What better way for this 6-8, 260 lb. freak of an athlete to get fans back on his side than joining the slam dunk contest and convincing his superstar friends to join him.  Let’s say we had a 8-contestant field of LeBron, Derrick Rose, Blake Griffin, Russell Westbrook, Dwight Howard, Deandre Jordan, John Wall, and Josh Smith.  Could you imagine the crazy dunks we’d see, Santa?  That would bring, at the very very very very very least, hype back to the dunk contest.  My heart is racing thinking about this.  I need to cut this off early before I have a much-too-early heart attack.  Just make this happen, Santa.  The sooner the better.

— Santa, can you also have it snow on Christmas?  Is that too much to ask for? Sheesh.

–Could you also make sure that the Packers don’t lose until at least sometime after early February?  What’s that?  That would be after the Super Bowl?  Oh.  So be it then.  I suppose we can win another one of those.

–Can you please continue allowing awesome videos like this to be shown on YouTube ? (I’m assuming that you own Youtube, Santa.  You know, because you’re totally real and all…)

–Hold on, I’m still watching the video….cottage cheese containers, who would’ve thought they were so cool?

(Still watching….gimme a sec)

–Ok.  Hey, have I thanked you yet for bringing the NBA back?  That was pretty clutch, Santa.

–Last thing, Santa.  I just want to thank you for bringing me home safely to enjoy my break from school.  Even though I know for fact you’ll be breaking into my house on  Christmas Eve, I’ll allow it.  Thank you for always trying to be discrete when you come tunneling through my chimney.  Anyways, I hope that you enjoy the cookies I leave out and thanks for the presents with your name on them already.

Wait a second..

Shit.

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