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The Best Seat in the House: The top and bottom places to put your bottom

In Random/Humor on October 4, 2011 at 3:43 pm

by:  Eric Buenning

(Note:  I wrote this last fall, but just decided to publish it now.  That should explain why “The Social Network” needed to be said in the article.  It was timely. Still is, kind of.  Whatever, nevermind.  Enjoy).

So there I was, watching The Social Network with my roommates in our apartment.  They’re all situated nicely on their comfy couches and chairs, and then there is me, sitting in absolute discomfort on the floor.  My time on the floor felt like sitting on a bed of needles while someone was twisting every muscle in my back like it was a washcloth being rung out.  It was a more painful experience than sitting through Christina Aguilera’s national anthem at this year’s Super Bowl.  Among the many thoughts racing through my mind, one stood out.  “Is this the worst place to be while watching a movie?”  At the time, I would have argued that my sitting condition was the worst. From that painful experience two months ago up until now as I write this article, I have tried more movie-watching positions than any college student with a full course load should have time for.  At the end of this snack-eating, soda-drinking, social life-damaging test, I came up with what I now recognize as the top and bottom five places to find yourself while watching the movie at your place.

 

Let us begin with the bottom of the barrel.

On the floor with no support.

This is where I found myself during The Social Network.  It was absolute misery.   You have nowhere to go when you are located here, so try and make the best out of a terrible thing, whatever that may be.  Nobody enjoys leaning back on their elbows, or putting their hands and forearms under their head.  It’s truly uncomfortable, and nobody deserves that.

On someone’s lap:  from either perspective.

I don’t care how in love people are; they shouldn’t be put through the agony that comes with lap-sitting.  The unique thing about this position is that it is unpleasant from both the lap-sitter’s perspective and the one providing the lap to be sat on.  If you’re the sitter, you constantly have bony knees jabbing you.   Don’t move forward; you’ll fall. Go ahead, scoot back further. Congratulations, you’ve just opened up a whole new can of worms.  If you are the one being sat on, you can say goodbye to a comfortable movie watching experience.  Do yourselves a favor, and don’t partner up while the movie is on; there will be more important situations to use the “buddy system” approach for.  You’ll both be better off.

 On an exercise Ball/Chair on Wheels.

The only good idea that has come on wheels, to this day, have been meals.  It should stay that way. The last thing anyone needs during the movie is to see the idiot bouncing or spinning around out of the corner of their eye. Please, do yourself a favor and do everything in your power to not be that idiot.  If you find yourself being the person on these pieces of furniture, you are not going to have a good time.  You will not be able to sit still, and the more restless you become, the more everyone will hate you.

 On Barstools.

I’ve been stuck here before.  You don’t want to be in this chair.  You can rarely get your feet to touch the ground, no matter how hard you try.  Don’t try leaning back either; the results can be disastrous.  Stay as low to the ground as you possibly can.  The lower you are, the safer and more enjoyable your experience will be.

Not sitting at all

Standing while watching a movie is like eating soup with a fork.  You can pretend that you are having all the fun that the spoon users are having, but who are you kidding? You’re missing out on the real experience.  I would take anything I’ve mentioned in the article over this.  Nobody likes to stand; they may say otherwise, but they don’t mean it.  Standing is not meant for movie watching, so stay away from it.

 

Honorable Mention:  Under heavy objects, underwater, in a blizzard, in a firestorm, in the midst of a stampede, and in a ten car pile-up.

 

And now for the winners on this list…

 

 

 

Big, soft chair.

Nobody can argue against this mainstay in the movie watching experience.  This is the ideal seat in the house.  The chair needs to be big enough for the person to curl up if need be, but not big enough where one of your friends on the floor can pull the “oh, there’s plenty of room for two” maneuver.  This chair needs to have a clear maximum occupancy of one.  If this rule is followed, then make sure that the big, soft chair is your first option.

Bean bag chair.

The same rules apply to the bean bag chair as they did for the big, soft chair.  The bean big chair is an underrated piece of furniture in this list because it can be morphed exactly to your liking.  The quicker you make a move for this piece of furniture and make your lasting impression on it, the more likely it will leave its lasting impression on you as a sure fire movie watching hot spot.

Open couch or bed.

Take it from any animal you’ve ever seen lay around; the stretched out posture is the best around.  There is a reason we sleep in that position; because it is the most comfortable.  This position is also very useful for many other times, most noticeably as the post-thanksgiving survival position.  The comfort and relaxation it brought us back in November should easily translate into a successful movie watching spot.

Lying on the floor.

This one follows the same concept as the open couch or bed. You can be fortunate enough to lay out some blankets and pillows, making the experience all the more joyous.  As long as you have some kind of neck support other than your forearms, this should be a pretty accessible and comfortable spot.

Reclining chair.

Most college students aren’t lucky enough to have reclining furniture in their apartments or dorms.  If you are one of those lucky few, you have it made.  You have back, arm, and leg support.  It’s the ideal spot to be watching movies in.  Seeing as how most people don’t have this luxury, you may want to exhaust the options previously mentioned before you search frantically for a recliner to use.

Honorable Mention:  Lambeau Field, The White House, anywhere with Oprah, and with bundles of adorable, playful puppies

You may have never realized it until now, but where you sit, stand, or lay during a movie can strongly influence the experience you have while watching it.  Take it from a movie lover/incredibly lazy college student like me, these spots do matter.  You may not think about this article for a while, but when the next movie night comes up, you will find yourself scrambling for one of these desirable seats.  Get the popcorn ready!

 

 

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